Advice For Those On The Battlefield

I've been on some bad dates.

Really bad dates.

This goes beyond awkward pauses and slip of the tongues. I'm talking, holy-christ-what-the-fuck-did-I-do-to-deserve-this dates.

It's not that I'm a huge bitch, I'm pretty laid back and forgiving. I just have really bad luck in the dating field. I admit, part of it is my fault, I need to learn how to pick my dates a bit better. But I learn with each bad date, and tonight I will be passing some of that knowledge onto anyone who stumbles across this.

Some of this may seem like common knowledge, but from my experience, no, it's not.

What Not To Do On A Date:

1. Show up drunk/high. Especially if you're driving. You know what's great? Spending the night driving with someone, having the feeling something is very off, and then smelling hard liquor when said person leans in for a kiss.
2. Kiss in the very beginning of a first date. It's just so damn needy. Not to mention completely obliterates any sexual tension that might build during the date.
3. Let the door hit her/him on the ass. I'm not talking about holding the door for your date, I'm just saying don't just drop the door behind you. Hold it until you're sure he/she has it.
4. Talk about any disgusting bodily functions. This is more of a first date thing, for me anyway. But, honestly, I'm probably not going to go on another date with a guy if he announces, "Excuse me, I have to go the bathroom. I did have a big dinner, after all." Which a guy did. And no, I did not go out with him again.
5. Go overboard on compliments. Men sometimes think that it's great to tell a woman she's beautiful as often as possible. It's not. I've gone through a whole date with someone complimenting me probably every five minutes. It got tiresome. I'd say limit yourself to one to two compliments.
6. Laugh at everything and too damn hard.
7. Say something creepy and then try to kiss him/her. "You know, you remind me of my sister."
8. Treat the waitstaff poorly. Unless they are terrible and inattentive, don't be an asshole to the waiters. You better believe I'll be making a note of this.
9. Text or answer calls that are not emergencies.
10. Ignore your date when he/she says he/she needs to go home. I seriously almost called the cops on that one. What the hell am I supposed to think when someone ignores me and keeps driving when I tell him I need to go home?
11. Expect your date to pay. This goes for guys and girls, by the way.
12. Reveal too many personal details. "Sometimes I see dead girls at night." One of the few times I've been rendered speechless.
13. Talk in a baby voice. Call me crazy, but being infantilized doesn't exactly get me wet.
14. Think one date equates to a relationship. For some reason, a lot of people get confused about this.
15. Be possessive, clingy, co-dependent, or patronizing.
16. Make comments about your ex. Even negative comments. Hell, even neutral comments. This one is actually one I've done before. It can be hard not to sometimes, but curb it. Beat it back with a stick. I've been on the receiving end of someone talking negatively about his ex and it wasn't attractive.